Vivek's Report

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Tehelka Stings India TV, Uncovers Fake Sting Operation Racket

New Delhi:

Tehelka.com, the website behind such sting operations as the Cash for Query Scandal today announced that it had conducted a Sting Operation on India TV, a news channel's offices in New Delhi. Mr. Tarun Tejpal, Tehelka's editor, announced that he and a team of Sting specialists had uncovered a racket of filming Fake Sting Operations which was carried out of sets erected in India TV's offices. Mr. Tejpal claims that the editor of India TV, Mr. Rajat Sharma runs an elaborate extortion network out of his studio in New Delhi. The size and scale of his operation is said to rival the activities of Chhota Shakeel and Dawood Ibrahim.

Mr. Tejpal made a presentation detailing India TV's modus operandi. It is believed that Mr. Sharma first identifies his victims and makes the preliminary extortion call. He is said to frighten his victim with the threat of subjecting him to a sting operation if he failed to pay up. Most of his victims preferred to pay off their tormentor, while the unfortunate ones end up starring in India TV's fake sting operations videos.

The Delhi police has followed up on the leads provided on the case and has come out with the motivations of Mr. Rajat Sharma. It is believed that due to the lack of credibility of India TV, advertising revenues are practically non-existent for the channel, and the extortion network provides the crucial income on which the channel survives.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Government Unprepared for Rains, Amends Constitution to Stop Monsoon

Mumbai

The Maharashtra State Government today announced that despite year-long efforts, it has been unable to prepare itself adequately for the onset of the Rains. The Met Department has forecast rains to hit the state in the first week of June.

However, the Government said that it has back-up plans in place, if last ditch efforts to salvage the situation fail. It plans to ask the Central Government to bring forward a constitutional amendment which would seek to make it illegal for the Rain-Gods to advance on the state of Maharashtra.

It is reliably learnt that the State Government initially wanted to propose an amendment to ban the Monsoon from passing through the whole country. However, this proposal met with stiff opposition from the arid states of Rajasthan and Gujarat. Hence, it has been decided to restrict the amendment only to the state of Maharashtra.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Saurav Ganguly submits tax returns, IT Dept suspects under-declaration

Kolkata

Mr. Saurav Ganguly, former captain of the Indian Cricket Team, filed his annual tax returns in Kolkata 2 weeks ago. This has created a controversy over the last week, with the Kolkata office of the Income Tax Department raising concerns that Mr. Ganguly has under-declared his income for the last year in order to save tax.

The Income Tax department has based its allegations on the fact that there has been a significant difference in the amount declared by Mr. Ganguly between last year and this year. It cites this as reason enough to suspect that Mr. Ganguly has attempted to under-declare his income for the year.

Mr. Ganguly's lawyer, however, has said that the whole controversy was an attempt by Mr. Greg Chappel and Mr. Kiran More, coach and selector of the Indian Cricket team respectively, to humiliate his client. In his opinion the difference in declaration was due to the fact that Mr. Ganguly had been dropped from the National Team and hence had to depend only on his advertising contract with Sona Chandi Chyavanprash to support himself.

Pak Asks India to Stop Cross-Border Terrorism, Asks for Handover of Mahesh Bhat

Islamabad

The Pakistani Government today strongly urged India to give up its policy of cross-border terrotism targeted at Pakistan. The Foreign Minister of Pakistan declared that India had decided to avenge what India termed as infiltration of terrorists into India, by sending even more dangerous people into Pakistan.

The minister named Bollywood film director Mr. Mahesh Bhat as the foremost terrorist to have visited his country recently. Mr. Bhat is well known for his opinions on all types of issues. He is feared in India for his capacity to speak non-stop for hours on end. Pakistan has demanded that he be arrested and handed over to it. In return it has promised to handover dreaded terrorist Dawood Ibrahim to India.

It is believed that the Indian Government is sympathetic to the offer. However, it is known to have imposed the condition that once handed over, Mr. Bhat must be denied access to microphones and TV crews, a condition Pakistan is believed to be happy to meet.

Monday, May 08, 2006

TCS Hits 3 billion Dollars, Gifts Pocket Radio to Employees

Mumbai:

Tata Consultancy Services, India’s largest Software Services Company, today announced its financial results for the year 2005-06. Revenues for the year crossed USD 3 billion and TCS became the first Indian IT company to hit the milestone.

TCS has decided to celebrate this achievement in grand style. The company has decided to gift each of its employees a pocket radio device. It may be recalled that Cognizant Technology Solutions, an IT Company, had presented each of its employees with an Apple iPod Portable Music Player. Mr. S Ramadorai,CEO of TCS, told mediapersons that TCS too had planned to gift iPods to its employees, but discovered that the workforce of TCS was so large that the world-wide production capacity of iPods was not sufficient to meet the order that TCS was planning to place.

The devices would be delivered at every employee’s desk on 1st June, 2006. Employees have been asked to register themselves with the HR Department for the gift. Mr. Ramadorai hoped that this exercise would enable the company to calculate the actual size of its workforce, a count which had not been taken since 1999.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

After IITs and IIMs,Arjun Singh Demands Reservation for OBCs in H1-B Visas

New Delhi
Mr. Arjun Singh, Union Minister for Human Resources Development, today demanded a 49.5% quota for Other Backward Classes in the visas issued by the US Government to workers seeking to enter the United States.This comes in the wake of his decision to extend quotas in India's famed IITs and IIMs to this same percentage.

Mr. Singh has justified his demand by saying that with the opposition of Corporate India to the reservations, it was clear that they would be staying away from recruiting from these institutes. Hence there was a need to 'absorb' their graduates and who better to do so than the Immigration Department of the United States of America.

The United States Government has reacted sharply to the proposal and has refused to bow down to the demands of the Indian Government. It has threatened to derail the Indo-US Nuclear agreement, if the Indian Government pushed the Reservation demand too hard.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Chirac Visits India as Relations hit New 'Low'

New Delhi

President Jacques Chirac of France arrived in New Delhi today, beginning a visit to further bilateral relations and expand trade. Relations between the two countries, already vitiated by the Mittal-Arcelor affair hit a new 'low' when Mr Chirac, en route to his hotel, happened to see a giant hoarding for VIP Frenchie, a popular brand of men's undergarments manufactured and sold in India by VIP Industries.

Mr. Chirac was deeply disturbed by the association of a brand of undergarments to his country and its people. He wondered why the French had been singled out for such treatment in India and dared VIP Industries to come up with products named VIP Yankee or VIP Aussie.

In order to prevent this incident from snowballing into a major diplomatic row, the Indian Government has asked VIP Industries to rename its product and has now decided to publish an approved list of brand-names from which undergarments manufacturers will have to draw names for their products.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Nitish signs MOU with Infy, Will Ensure Low Attrition

Patna:

Newly elected Chief Minister of Bihar, Mr. Nitish Kumar today signed a Memorandum of Understanding with Infosys Chief Mentor, Mr. N.R. Narayana Murthy and Mr. Sabu Alem, a representative of Bihar's Kidnapping Industry to set up a Software Development Centre in Patna.

Media-persons attending a press-conference after the meeting were shocked to see a masked man sharing the podium with Mr. Kumar and Mr. Murthy. They were informed that Mr. Alem was part of the guarantee given by Mr. Kumar to ensure very low attrition rates as an incentive to attract IT companies to the state. As part of the agreement, his group would ensure a constant stream of Techies who would be abducted from the major IT cities of Bangalore and Hyderabad and sent to Patna. These workers would be relieved from their jobs in Patna only upon furnishing a hefty ransom. Revenues from this would be used to shore up Bihar's precarious finances.

To prevent competition to Maharashtra's IT industry from the upstart Patna, Mr. Vilasrao Deshmukh, Maharashtra's Chief Minister has pledged to work jointly with Mumbai's Underworld to ensure similar incentives to IT companies operating in Mumbai and Pune.

Sena Attacks Ice Cream, Calls it Symbol of Western Culture

Mumbai:

In a shocking incident last week, members of the Shiv Sena, attacked an Ice Cream parlour in the Mumbai suburb of Bandra, calling it a symbol of the Western influence that has taken over India today. Sena leader, Uddhav Thackeray, addressed media-persons after the incident and raised slogans against Western Culture. He announced that his party was beginning a massive campaign against 'Ice-Cream'. Declaring the consumption of Ice Cream a symbol of Indians aping 'Western Culture', he ordered Mumbaikars to enjoy Kulfi instead.

Meanwhile, the Sena has threatened people visiting an ice-cream parlour with dire consequences. It has also warned ice-cream vendors to switch to selling Kulfi within a week or face the ire of party.

Enthused by its success in banning Ice-Cream from Mumbai, the Sena has now announced new campaigns against bread and coffee. These campaigns would begin after Valentine's Day, when Sena members would return after taking the day off on the 14th of February to spend time with their special someone.

Friday, December 30, 2005

India Starts Practice of Naming Cyclones, Item Girls to lend their Names.

New Delhi:

The Indian Metereological Department has begun the practice of naming Cyclones, adopting a practice followed in the U.S., which has in the past given us names for natural disasters like hurricanes Katrina and Rita. The Director General of the IMD has announced that henceforth cyclones, hurricanes and tornadoes hitting the country would be named after ‘Item Girls’, saying that the physical destruction caused by cyclones mirrored the moral destruction caused by Item Girls.



The first cyclone to occur after the system kicks off will be named Cyclone Helen, to honour the services rendered by the foremost item girl produced by the Indian Film Industry to date. The Met Dept has tentatively decided to name the Cyclone following Cyclone Helen as Cyclone Sridevi to recognize the contributions of Ms. Sridevi who was known as ‘Thundering Thighs’ during the peak of her career.



A list of the most popular item girls in each year would be drawn up and cyclone names would be decided in order of popularity.

Gold prices hit Record High, World Bank asks Bappi Lahiri to step In

New York

Gold prices have hit a new historic high this week, and the World Bank fears they might rise further given rising demand in the U.S. and European markets during the holiday season.



However, the World Bank is most concerned about the rising demand for the precious commodity from the world’s largest gold consumer, Mr. Bappi Lahiri, the music director from India known for his taste for the yellow metal. Mr. Lahiri, fresh from his success with his new TV show is said to be the single largest reason for this spike in gold prices. World Bank President, Mr. Paul Wolfowitz has asked Mr. Lahiri to desist from making further purchases of gold jewellery until the present crisis in the world markets passes over. Further, Mr. Wolfowitz has appealed to him to release a small proportion of his jewellery supplies into the world markets in order to help small countries which are feeling the squeeze to replenish their gold reserves.



Mr. Wolfowitz has estimated that world gold prices could reduce by upto 25% if Mr. Lahiri were to release just 2% of his jewellery collection into the market. Mr. Lahiri, however, has refused to co-operate with the World Bank unless he is compensated for the gold he releases in the form of platinum arm bands and necklaces.

Scientists develop face transplant technology, Tupur Demands that Tapur undergo procedure

Mumbai:

Surgeons in France have developed a complicated surgery which allows severely disfigured faces to be revived using a Face Transplant procedure. The procedure has raised a firestorm of criticism as scientists and religious organizations debate the scientific and moral dilemmas that this breakthrough has unleashed.



Ms. Tupur Chatterjee, a model from Mumbai, identical twin sister of Ms. Tapur Chatterjee, also a model, has raised a controversy of a different kind. She has demanded that Ms. Tapur must undergo this procedure. She says that the fact that the 2 models are identical twins has significantly affected her career prospects since model co-ordinators and directors often confuse the sisters with each other, approaching her sister for assignments which they actually meant to offer her. She complains that her asking rate could easily double if the supply of the Chatterjees in the modeling industry could be restricted only to her.



Ms Tupur has offered to herself undergo the surgery, in case Ms. Tapur were to refuse. In related news, Ms. Aishwarya Rai has demanded that all 'ice maidens' undergo the face transplant procedure.

Salman Orders Pizza, Turns Violent when Vivek Oberoi Delivers.

Mumbai:

Actor Salman was arrested by Mumbai Police after turning to blows with his pizza delivery boy yesterday. Mr. Khan had earlier in the day called up Pizza Hut to order their latest variety of pizza known as Freshizza. His order was delivered at his residence within the stipulated half hour.



Mr. Khan turned violent when he realized that his pizza had been delivered to him by none other than Mr. Vivek Oberoi, his rival for the affections of actress Ms. Aishwarya Rai. Mr. Oberoi had been enlisted for the assignment as part of the promotion of his new feature film: Home Delivery.



Mr. Khan used abusive language and threatened to ‘bump off’ Mr. Oberoi, saying that all he needed to do was to make a phone call to notorious gangster, Chota Shakeel, with whom he claimed to be on very close terms. Mr. Oberoi not to be left behind, immediately called a press conference and threatened to quit the Hindi film industry if justice was not meted out to Mr. Khan for his obscene behavior with him.



Elsewhere, Mr. Shekhar Suman, the host of the popular night-time comedy show, ‘The Great Indian Comedy show’, declared his solidarity with Mr. Oberoi, saying that Mr. Oberoi leaving the Hindi film industry would threaten his livelihood as he would lose a constant source of his jokes.

Saurav Sends Resume to Infosys, Rejected

Kolkata:

Out of job, former captain of the Indian Cricket Team, Saurav Ganguly, entered the IT job market recently by sending his resume to well known Tech companies like Infosys and Wipro. In an interaction with the media recently, at his home in Kolkata, he announced that he had engaged the services of a professional Resume Drafting company to build what he called a ‘Killer Resume’ for himself.



A representative of the Human Resources Department at Infosys, however was unable to confirm receiving Mr. Ganguly’s Resume. On being asked whether she thought Mr. Ganguly would make a good candidate for a Tech job, the representative, on condition of anonymity, let it be known that the Infosys top management had already anticipated that Mr. Ganguly would apply to their organization and had conducted a detailed review of his suitability to the job. They found him to be unsuitable on account of his lack of relevant experience. The representative advised Mr. Ganguly to gain at least 2 years work experience in a mid-tier IT Company before re-applying to Infosys.



An entry-level employee of Infosys, who spoke with us on condition of anonymity, advised Mr. Ganguly to apply for the position of a Project Manager instead. This employee believes that he matched the job requirements for the position of PM perfectly, since he too contributed little or nothing to the success of his team, relying instead on middle and junior level members of his team to get the job done.

Greg Waves Finger at Rains, Irks VHP

Chennai:

Mr. Greg Chappel, the coach of the Indian Cricket Team, was spotted giving the finger to the raingods yesterday. Greg, frustrated after having to endure a nearly washed out Test Match against Sri Lanka, was caught by Television Cameras waving an unsavory finger at the sky. In the images, Greg is seen to emerge from the Dressing Room, take a long hard look at the sky and lose his temper.



The visuals were immediately flashed all over the Television Networks and have created a furore. Particularly upset have been the Vishwa Hindu Parishad and the Bajrang Dal, who have called this an act of blasphemy. Mr. Praveen Togadia, the General Secretary of the VHP, fumed in an interaction with reporters yesterday, “How can this white man defile our religious sentiments this way by brazenly pointing his finger at the god of Rain, Indra? This act must not go unpunished”. He has threatened to organize a nationwide protest. He has also declared his intention to organize a Mahayagya on 25-th of December, to appease Indra and exhort him to rain out all the Indian team’s cricket matches, as long as Mr. Chappel continues to be the coach of the team.



Elsewhere Mr. K S Sudarshan, the chief of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh has asked all Hindus to urgently have at least 8 children per family in order to offer one child per family as sacrifice as part of the December 25-th Mahayagya to appease Indra.

Gowda Angry with Bangalore Dead, Calls them Land Sharks

Bangalore:
Former Prime Minister and JD(S) Supremo, Mr. H.D. Deve Gowda, has decried the Karnataka State Government for allotting prime properties to cemeteries in and around Bangalore. He has accused the Bangalore Dead Persons’ Association of being ‘Land Sharks’ and has accused it of demanding more land than is really needed for its activities.

In a strongly worded statement, Mr. Gowda criticized the BDPA saying, ”The BDPA has been allotted far more land than is it really needs. This is clearly evidence of the fact that the association has been trading land with the nether-world, cleverly parceling off land from this world into the next”. He went on to praise the HDPA, Hyderabad’s counterpart of the BDPA, for being able to carry out its operations out of rented premises. He thundered, “The HDPA does not own a single sq ft. of land in Hyderabad. Do you see them raising such a hue and cry?”

Defending his organization, the Chairman of the BDPA sharply attacked Mr. Gowda for making allegations against him. It has lampooned Mr. Gowda, saying that many times during his tenure as Prime Minister, he came very close to seeming to be a member of their organization, especially when he was attending long seminars and speeches.

John too wants to be a Superstar, follows Amitabh to Lilavati

Mumbai
Model turned actor John Abraham has been admitted to Lilavati hospital in Mumbai with fever. The actor was admitted to the same hospital in suburban Mumbai where superstar Amitabh Bachchan underwent surgery recently.

Asked about the nature of his illness, Mr. Abraham refused to comment. However, medical aides attending to him said that they heard him mumbling in his sleep the previous night that he would become a superstar now. Apparently, Mr. Abraham felt that since he was unable to follow in the footsteps of Mr. Bachchan, in his acting areer, he would definitely attain glory by following the latter to hospital.

Enthused by the saturation coverage given by the media to Mr. Bachchan’s illness, Mr. Abraham was said to be eagerly awaiting the arrival of the media contingents at the hospital. Media persons, however, appeared to be disinterested in his illness and preferred to avoid the trip to the hospital.

Meanwhile, reports just in indicate that Mr. Abraham has asked Ms. Bipasha Basu, to visit him tomorrow in ‘suitable attire’, to create media interest in covering his illness.